Tastes Like Sugar: The Ugly Truth

Well folks,

I gotta tell you that I had a true "Aha" moment today....one that I have been waiting on for a very long time. I'm not sure what prompted it....but when it hit me..it hit like a ton of bricks.

I've always been one to believe that people are a product of their environment. You know - if you are around positive people, you stay positive...if you are around people that suck the life out of you....you become listless....if you are around people that are mean, you yourself become mean....if you are around people that have a low self image, your self esteem plummets....

Unfortunately, I haven't done a very good job of keeping those people at bay....largely because I have a huge heart, and always try to see the best in others, and secondly because I always think that I have to FIX people...even when I cannot even fix myself.

It dawned on me today, that several people who I have been very close to over the past several years....are now almost completely absent from my life....even in areas as easily accessible as social networking sites. Leave a comment or tag them in a comment or post...and get no comment or even acknowledgement that you have mentioned or spoken to them....it really sucks...and can I just say that it really does a number on your feelings and emotions....Sooooo...I spent the better part of the afternoon analyzing the situation, and it revealed to me some very viable reasons why things may be this way.

First and foremost....I have to admit that for the last 14 months I've been pretty damn self absorbed....yeah....I admit it...and I'm definitely not proud of it....however - in my own defense...give Cancer a shot....it'll kinda do that to you. It kinda screws your brain up...til you can't tell which way is up...fortunately - by the grace of God, I think I've finally found it!!!

Second....I have had to take a good hard look at some of the people I have held close to me during that time....and while each and every one of them I love dearly....I have found traces of their personalities that totally infected me to the very core....and I am completely ashamed of it. Some who gossip incessantly, some who are continually depressed and will not fight to pull themselves out of it no matter what opportunities are laid before them, some who take pleasure at the misfortune of others, some who are self righteous, and some who are just plain mean. I honestly, could count on two hands, the number of people in my life who have been a positive and loving influence in my life over the last couple of years. Please understand..I am not being judgmental....these are people that I love dearly...but lets face it....we all have character flaws, and are sinners by nature. God knows I am....Looking back on the last year or so, I have come to realize that at some point or another, I have exhibited each and every one of these actions....and did so of my own free will. Not intentionally...but by way of allowing myself to succumb to my surroundings and feeling sorry for myself. The gravest of these, being not standing up for the people that I love, and falling into the trap in order to please someone else.

With that said, I would like to take this time to express my sincerest apologies to my friends and my family....for allowing myself to become a victim of my own circumstances and for hurting anyone that I may have been unfair to along the path to destruction. I found it easier to wallow in my own self pity, and in the hurt inflicted on me by others....than to pick my fat behind up, dust it off, and never look back. I pray for forgiveness...and am thankful to those who loved me enough to put up with my insanity and still hang around.

Today....I closed a door so that God may open others for me....I let go of "what could have been's" and made it my solemn vow to find joy in every moment that I could possibly find it in, and made a promise to myself...that if someone I love is not good for me...I will love them from afar...and wish them sunlight and happiness every time they cross my path or cross my mind.