It's been a few months, and I honestly find myself suprised that I am sitting at this keyboard at 2 am. Sleep has escaped me for days, and despite the peace and joy I have found here in my new home, the last several days have been excruciatingly painful. The craziest part of my pain, is that my Father God has blessed me in so many ways, that I feel at best shameful for allowing myself to sink so far into my own hurt. Not that my feelings are invalid or insignificant, but the cold, hard truth is that the world does not revolve around me, an while I know that I have been giving, caring, compassionate, and generous to a fault....I certainly don't deserve any accolades for simply "passing on" the blessings that Father has bestowed upon me. Most ashamedly, I have imprisoned myself in my own mind for the last 10 days....feeling alone...wallowing in my own self pity, and feeling as though I deserved better than what has been given me. I've cried, I've stayed in bed for days...only surfacing for a minor surgical procedure, to eat a scarce meal or two, and trips to the bathroom. I have to explain my situation in order to explain my epiphany....so here goes.
My abandonment issues run deep. They have for years, and I have unfortunately allowed them to play a huge role in many of the most important decisions in my life. If you have read my previous blog posts, you already know many of the issues I have faced, and Father God - I don't need to tell you....you already know. My psychosis has reared it's ugly head and come out in full force this holiday season, and I suppose that the biggest factor is that for the first time in my life, I am faced with being away from my Children for Christmas. My children have always been my purpose...my reason for living. My daughter...strong, intelligent, independant...the kind of daughter that makes one proud to be her mother, and my son...strong, free thinking and non conforming....with a love for his mother that could never be surpassed by any other earthly love. God definitely blessed me with those two...but to pretend that our loves are perfect would be a facade...and whether it be fortunate or not, Father created me a realist. Not the person that can put on a pretty face and pretend that her family is perfect or that her life is perfect or that she herself is perfect. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets broken often.
This year, God blessed me abundantly, as he always has...and for the first time in my life, I was able to take my entire family on a very magical but very EXPENSIVE family vacation. When I made the decision to sell my home and move to Tennessee, there was only ONE thing that I wanted. No new car, no new house....nothing material...well, as material things go....only one week. A vacation with my entire family. All together, in one place...full of magic and full of happiness. The kind of thing that dreams are made of. BEST of all...that is exactly what I got. 8 days with my children and grandchildren at Walt Disney World, blessed with the ability to give them whatever they desired, regardless of the price tag. You see...the ability to do this, and have these memories did not have a price tag. At least not one that I was aware of. Sadly...I was wrong. The vacation was magical, and having all of those that I love so dearly together, happy....was worth more than any material possession in this world. It has been many years since we were all able to be together...happy....So what went wrong???? IT ENDED. It simply ended. This is where the broken heart begins to shatter, and where begins my downward spiral into the rabbit hole that I call self pity. You see, in the months leading up to this vacation of a life time, since I moved to Tennessee and my family is now scattered across the US, I believed that my relationship with my children had become stronger than it had been in years. I have seen, and conversated and interacted with my children more in the last six months than even during the devastation of my cancer diagnosis and treatment. Phone calls, skyping, texting, traveling, planning....and I relished every moment of it. I looked forward to the video calls, phone conversations and travel to spend time with my family, and it was that, I believe, that made everything ok in my mind. I finally felt like I had the love, respect, and closeness that I wanted and deserved from, and with my family. As I reach this point in this writing...it is going to seem targeted, and sadly I suppose that it is....but I cannot help the way I feel, whether my feelings are justified or not, and at this point, it has to be more productive to face my feelings than to keep drowning in my own self pity and feelings of abandonment. You see....when the vacation ended....so did the the rest of it. I know it sounds like I'm throwing myself a pity party...but as of today, it has been a full week since I have heard any word from my daughter or my grandchildren. No phone calls, no video chats, not even a simple comment on facebook. Ok - go ahead and play the devil's advocate and tell me...the phone works both ways, as well as every other method of communication - so why haven't you reached out? My answer to that....is...to prove a point to myself. I wanted to see just how long it would take before my daughter would reach out to me, now that we are not in a situation where we are planning, or traveling or vacationing or whatever the case may be. 8 days and counting. I even had a surgical procedure on my neck 5 days ago...which I told her about, yet not even so much as a phone call to see if all went ok. Nothing....absolutely nothing....silence. As if, once again, I do not even exist. Don't get me wrong - I get it...she works, takes care of her children, is a wife, a mother, and has tons of responsibilities and I admire her for that...I admire her strength, her dedication to her children and her family, and I get that I am not the center of her world...but at the very least, do I not deserve at least a phone call? Apparently not. This is where the true ephiphany arrives. I have made my son miserable for the last two days....listening to me whine and cry about how unfairly I have been treated....after always giving so much, to so many, and especially after this extravagant vacation. He has counseled me and consoled me (he may not have made much of his life thus far - but his wisdom far exceeds his years) . I was also fortunate enough that one of my God given children (by that I mean non-bilogical) took two hours out of his day yesterday to listen to me rant, and finally, today - I was able to get myself up, take my brother to the doctor, and have a somewhat productive day. I'd been crying out to God for days to show me my purpose and show me what I am here for.
then....there it was....God calling. Not literally calling....but showing me nonetheless....It's a book - that I purchased months ago - but have been so busy wrapped up in all of my travels and vacationing and whatever I had been wrapped up in, that my fingers and eyes hadn't graced the pages of in months. After I stripped the bedding from my bed, there it was....most nights I would tell myself that I will read tomorrow....I'm too tired....but not this night.
December 5 - Law of Supply
The first law of giving is of the spirit world. Give to all you meet, or whose lives touch yours, of your prayers, your time, yourselves, your live, your thought. You must practice this giving first. THEN give of this world's goods and money, as you have them given to you.
ding ding ding ding ding!!!! Survey says top answer! It was as if a light bulb had suddenly illuminated in my head. There is no amount of financial or worldly goods that I can give ANYONE that will fill the emptiness that I feel in my heart. I had to sit back and ask myself the obvious....yes - you have given to many financially and materially....but WHAT HAVE YOU GIVEN OF YOURSELF? It has been far too long, and I have given far too little. I have only given what God had blessed me with in the first place. I didn't NEED that vacation, my children didn't need that vacation, they don't NEED me to provide for them and shower them with gifts and material things. The fact is that they don't NEED me at all anymore...but there are people that do, and there is a purpose for my existance. My mind is filled quickly with flashes of all the photos and news footage of all of the people who's lives have been devastated by the fires in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, and how much opportunity there is to actually GIVE OF MYSELF...and I bow my head in shame yet rejoice and praise God for showing me what will fill my heart.
With a clear view of the path I am to follow, I thank you Father....for your many blessings, and for giving me the ability to bless others. Please bless and keep my children and family safe and protect them from anything that is not of and from you, Forgive me Father for my sins, those that I committ knowingly and those that I do not even realize I have committed. All glory and praise is yours, Let me follow thy will so that my life will be a testament to your Glory.
