What if??????

'What' and ‘if....’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

True enough, I am a believer that God has a specific purpose for everything that happens in our lives.  Though many times, as humans, we cannot see that purpose....my tiny mustard seed faith tells me that there is one. 





I'm not one to really watch movies twice, but every once in a great while, there is one that truly touches my soul, and I revisited today - Letters to Juliet.  Though I have seen the movie at least 3 times, "what if'" is what I took from it today, and it brought me to tears.  I have thought deeply about the what if's in my life, and I hope only that by addressing them at this moment I will gain some clarity and peace of mind.

My "What If's"

• My mother and biological father had not divorced when I was a baby
• My mother had not married Jim Brown when I was eight
• My mother had not been killed in a car accident when I was 14
• I had listened to my step father - after mom died - and not dated Scott behind his back
• I had not gotten pregnant at 16
• I had not lived in Marywood Maternity and Adoption Home
• I had given my daughter up for Adoption as my grandparents demanded that I do
• I had not taken the smoke break with Hughes when he asked, even though I was a non-smoker
• I had not divorced Hughes when Fischer was two
• I had not married and loved Robert, although I knew that he could never be manogamous
• If I had stayed away from the relationship with Dave, and never moved to Cleveland
• I had held fast to my belief that becoming involved with "groceries" would be the heartbreak of all heartbreaks and never allowed it to go this far
• I had never gotten breast cancer

This is only a tiny list of the what if's in my life.....but at this moment in time - they seem to be the most significant...and as I go through each one, I know that I will find positives and negatives, but in my heart - I hold not one single regret for the choices I made. So....Here we go!!!

My mother and biological father had not divorced when I was a baby

Dad was a cheater, and didn't treat mom well....Not making excuses for him, but he was only 20 and mom was only 19 and knowing in my heart that I am not proud of many of the things that I did at that age, I cannot hold that against him and have offered him nothing but grace and forgiveness.  Dad worked for Brown and Root, and retired from the company...traveled the world, and I can only imagine the adventure that would have come with traveling with him.

My mother had not married Jim Brown when I was eight

Jim was first known to us as Uncle Jim, and I remember vividly running with great anticipation to his apartment every morning at the age of seven to tell him "coffee's ready" . Mom and Jim eloped - and shortly after that Jim legally adopted my brother and I.  He was the only father I knew until I was 42 years old.  I cannot say the relationship was always great, especially after mom passed and I got pregnant....things were ugly and he never even met his own grand daughter until she was 3....still yet, I forgave him, and the last words he said to me the last time I saw him in 1994, were I love you Sis.  Had mom not married him....I'd have grown up in a fatherless home, like my children, and may have become a statistic....just like so many children who grow up with absent fathers...so for that,  I am eternally grateful.

My mother had not been killed in a car accident when I was 14

My world would be a much better place today.  My mother was my idol...my best friend....I'd have gone to College, If I'd still become a mother at 17, she would have been there to help guide me and raise my daughter, and today, would be enjoying her grand children and great grand children.  This is the biggest regret I have in my life....they would have loved her so.  In the same token, had she not died, I would not be the strong, independant person that I am today.  Growing up without a mother is something that I would never wish on my worst enemy, and it made me a survivor.

I had listened to my step father - after mom died - and not dated Scott behind his back

I'd have never the heartbreak of being a pregnant teen who was alone and unwanted. I'd have never experienced life in an unwed mothers home run by nuns, I'd have never been seperated from my family and been the outcast, not only at home by at school by my peers. There is no regret in this however - because every second of hurt and pain, I would endure again for my precious daughter. She is the love of my life, and my greatest accomplishment.

I had not gotten pregnant at 16

I pretty much answered that in the previous paragraph

 

I had not lived in Marywood Maternity and Adoption Home

I'd have never had tutors from UT, I'd have never graduated with more credits than we were allowed in high school, I'd have never known the horror that some children are faced with, when raped by a family member at the tender age of 12 and still being forced to carry out the pregnancy.  I'd have never met some of the most loving and beautiful girls that I have ever known in my life, and I would have never learned the beauty that is the city of Austin.  The birthplace of my first born, will forever be one of the most special places in my heart, and I go back every chance I get.

I had given my daughter up for Adoption as my grandparents demanded that I do

My daughter may have lived a life with 2 parents, that were able to give her everything a child deserves and I may have never known her.  While I am pro adoption, I could never even entertain the thought of giving up my precious child, though hard times there were -I have no regret....I was beaten with a shoe because of my refusal to give her up, and I would take that beating a million times more if I had to.  She was and is the greatest decision that I ever made....my greatest accomplishment.

I had not taken the smoke break with Hughes when he asked, even though I was a non-smoker

I'd have never had my second greatest accomplishment - my precious son Fischer

I had not divorced Hughes when Fischer was two

Fischer would have grown up with a father. Not an Ideal father, alcohol and drug addiction is no environment for any child, and I cannot say that his father would have been any more present then that he has been for the last 16 years.  I would have lived for 16 years in an abusive marriage and both of my children would have been deeply scarred.

I had not married and loved Robert, although I knew that he could never be manogamous

I'd have never learned that it is possible for a man to truly love a woman, yet have the inability to remain faithful.  I'd have never learned that there were children out there that grew up in a more dysfuntional family than I did, and I would never have experienced the scars that are left behind by parents who choose drugs and illicit lifestyles over their own children.  I would have never seen the man that could rise above all of that and become a success despite the hardships of his childhood, and the determination to make a better life for himself.  I'd have not known the pain of repeated adultery, but I'd have also not known another man'd that truly loved my children as his own, and I'd have missed out on someone who STILL loves me, and remains a constant support in my life. Again - no regret.

If I had stayed away from the relationship with Dave, and never moved to Cleveland

My precious son may have never been exposed to pot....and may have evaded all of the trouble that he has been in over the past year and a half.  I'd have never experienced what it was like to live in a lower income backwoods town, and would have saved myself loads of hurt.  I would however, not have met and come to love some of the most precious people I know in this world, who STILL love and support me despite the demise of the relationship.They will forever be family to me.

 

I had held fast to my belief that becoming involved with "groceries" would be the heartbreak of all heartbreaks and never allowed it to go this far

I'd have learned too late that I had breast cancer....he saved my life.  I'd have never experienced all of the joy and laughter that has been a part of our friendship over the last 5 months.  I'd have never let down the walls that I put around my heart after leaving Dave, and I'd have never learned that it was possible for a heart that has been hurt so much to be able to love unconditionally again.  I'd have never known the meaning of unrequited love, and I would never have learned that just because you love someone doesnt mean that they have to love you back.  I'd have never learned that sometimes in life, you have to remove yourself  from the situation, and love someone from a distance, and I would not experience the heartache that I live today as a result of loosing the one that had become my best friend and confidant.  I would not know how it feels to grow stronger every day, and to be grateful and joyous about the time I had with him, instead of angry that I have it no more.  I could have missed the pain.....but that's one dance that I will NEVER regret.

I had never gotten breast cancer

I would not be the person that I have evolved into today....my person, and my being change with each passing day.  I would not be struggling through Chemotherapy, I would not be bald, and not suffering through the sickness that comes along with all of it.  The positive side is still left to be written....as I still walk this walk, I expect it will be a while before I am able to identify God's purpose for it....so I can only ask Dear God...please give me grace and strength.